dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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