Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
