Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
