god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
