No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
