hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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