we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Drunk is not a location!
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
