closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
