I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
