His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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