someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
