If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
