Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
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