Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
