i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I smell like Dick and happiness
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
