redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
