I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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