If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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