I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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