Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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