All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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