mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
