last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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