I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
