so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
