he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
