I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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