another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
