im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
