I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
