Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
