If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Randomize
