My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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