To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
