Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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