someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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