Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
