My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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