this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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