he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
