Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
