You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
