can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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