i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Every concussion has its silver lining
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Randomize
