He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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