I showed him my bush... on skype.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
