I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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