just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
