While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
