i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
