Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
