life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Ketchup is God's man juice
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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